COME HOME

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Hi-De-Hi, All!
As winter rolls on and prices rise to astronomical levels, meaning, out of this world, “Well, out of my pocket level anyway”. The glory days of owning my last pickup for sixteen years, are over, it has gone to its resting place somewhere in China I think. But! I’ve bought another one (pickup that is), unmarked, blemish free and cheap (I have already been offered more than twice the amount I paid for it), the trouble is, it has a bigger engine and I’m watching the fuel gauge more than the road. The money I paid for it would have been spent on reaching for the sun, in faraway places, but rip-off pricing has curtailed my globe trotting some-what and the only reality memories I have of those far-away places are my Cacti, acquired by devious means over many years of magic moments spent on white and golden sands and trekking across moonscape mountains that suddenly become green misted with the infrequent sky juice deposits that occasionally pass their way.
Travelogue over: and getting back to desert gardening I’ve just had a book given to me: Cactus Growing (For Beginners), a second print 1943 by Vera Higgins +, price 6/- (real money days) for the late comers 240 pennies to the £pound. (A questionable devaluation of 1.4 %). Now, I’m normally not given to reading a preface, a prologue, or introduction, but this book found me with time on my hands so I started at the beginning (generally a good place to start) and read the preface.
Copy! The expert is apt to credit people with more knowledge than they really posses, and that is where the other fellow comes in as far as this book is concerned. For the other fellow will see to it that nothing is written that he does not understand, and if he can understand it. Well, the reader should be able to. End Copy!
The expert is apt to credit* reminds me of those infuriating notices you can get up on your screen giving you non-option options; select option A, for bla, bla, bla or select option B, for bla, bla, bla why is there never a “Do Nowt” option ‘cause I don’t b****y well know?
So this book was for me, it was well written and very informative from a beginners point of view: “or was it “? working on the basis that there is always some thing new to learn I picked up on a word of which I’ve had little understanding of for many years, this being the word LOAM! Now for all you long term diggers out there you may well ask “How the h*** can he not know what loam is”? Looking at it from my point of view, the only description I have ever seen, is that of finely tilled soil which seems to define the meaning rather well, until you consider the constituent parts of the soil so tilled, being dependant on the area from which you secure this marvellous mixture, the granularity of which, will be another variable to contend with, in some cases just add water and “Hey Presto” instant mud; whilst in others being clay based, instant clod. Discussing the construction of cacti growing medium a lady said to me I get my LOAM from mole hills! Finely tilled soil has never meant a lot to me “But”, mole hills, that’s a different matter, revelation at last, for many years now I’ve been chasing moles from lawns and flattening their hills to maintain the aesthetic quality of the flat land green; now I’m asking. “Where have all the moles gone”? Come home, come home, I need your LOAM. This brings me to the storage facility of my life’s winnings, defined by my spouse with vitriolic appendage as being a garage full of C*** imbued as she is with a “chuck it all away” mentality, what ever you throw away you’ll need one day. Hey Mole! Come back home, I need your LOAM.

• 12 Jan, 2012
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