Cats...and how to worm them to keep your garden "clean"

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Now then – in response to a blog elsewhere about cats in our gardens…I would like to take this opportunity to give you all a little lesson in hygiene with regard to animals in our garden. Oh yes – you do need to know this….and joking apart (that bit comes in a minute as you will soon find out….lol!) our animals DO need wormed regularly ….if this is not carried out – we are all at risk of dreadful diseases as we all know. OK…you didn’t need reminding….but you DO need to know HOW to give your pets their pills…..and I was given this invaluable advice and figured I should hand it on…….Be aware…be very aware ..that some body somewhere is pulling somebody’s leg….and yes – it just might be the cat’s by the end…..;~)))

Here goes….

How To Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Whisky. Pour tot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another tot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire brigade to retrieve the sodding cat from across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little b#####’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of whisky. Get spouse to drive you to the nearest A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from h##l and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon……. Toss it in the air…..JOB DONE!

18 Sep, 2009
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Sanbaz

lmao alzheimer, ive not laughed so much in ages, i noticed a little swear word there, maybe a bleep would be better not that i care it was so funny, almost peed myself, i`ll just stick to injections and drops on the neck area thanx heehhe, made my day :o))

18 Sep, 2009

Lily2

LOL This is just as funny second time around Alzheimer! My husband brought this home from work a couple of years back and it well deserves to still be going around. I have another one somewhere about how to give a cat a bath, I must dig it out!

18 Sep, 2009

Cats...and how to worm them to keep your garden "clean"

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