funny snow saga

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hope this doesn’t offend anyone

I so empathised with most of it and thought it hilarious but apologies in advance to anyone who doesn’t like it
I removed most of the bleep words [flaming was inserted a lot ! ] but some were necessary in the story

The diary of a non Scots living in the Highlands/ any where in Scotland, just
now .. .

“Our First Winter”

Dec 20th

It’s starting to snow. The first of the season and the first for years.

The wife and I took out hot toddies and

sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to

the trees and covering the ground. It’s so beautiful and peaceful

Dec 24th

We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering

as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush

covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever

and loved it! I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a

snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted

snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved, I waved back and shovelled

it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a

carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit

the car so I threw a couple back and joined their fun

Dec 26th

It snowed an additional five inches last night and the temperature dropped to

around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to

the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the

snowplough came by and did his trick again.

Much of the snow is now a brownish-grey

Jan 1st

Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush

which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again.

Brought snow tyres
for both our cars, £500. Fell on my backside in the driveway,

£100 to physio but nothing was broken.

Jan 5th

Still cold. Sold the wife’s car and bought her a 4×4 to get her to work.

She slid into a wall and did considerable
damage to the right wing, £200. Had another eight inches of white stuff last

night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced-up slush.

That b*****D snowplough came by twice today.

Where’s that bloomin’ shovel?

Jan 9th

More flaming snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn’t been
damaged.

Power was off most of the night.

Tried to keep from freezing to death
with candles and paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly torched the
house.

I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my
hands.

Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car hit a flaming deer on the way to
casualty and was written off

Jan 13th

Flaming bl…y white stuff just keeps on coming down.

Have to put on every article of clothing just to go
to the post box.

The little horrors next door ambushed me with snowballs on
the way back,

I’ll shove that carrot so far up the little brats bottom it’ll

take a good surgeon six hours just to find it!

If I ever catch the a**ehole
that drives the snowplough I’ll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with
my teeth.

I think the b****** hides around the corner and waits for me to
finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael flaming

Shumacher and buries the flaming driveway again.

Jan 17th

Sixteen more sodding inches of flaming snow and flaming ice and flaming sleet and other
white stuff fell last night.

I am in court in three months for assaulting the
snowplough driver with an ice-pick. Can’t move my flaming toes.

Haven’t seen
the sun for five weeks. Minus twenty and more flaming snow forecast

I’M MOVING BACK DOWN SOUTH
although it was as bad down there this year so maybe need to emigrate!!!

• 4 Feb, 2011
• 12 likes

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